After all, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
What’s Better?
To be pathetically hopeful and hold on to said fact, or to let go and be semi-miserable and constantly unhappy?
Things that make you happy or feel good that hurt other people aren’t worth it. But sometimes you don’t have a choice and make the wrong decisions. I’m at a stage of my life where I need to continue to make the right ones.
I don’t know when I’ll ever let this one go. I’ve been here before, this is 2.0. Last time it took the start of something new. I’ve been down this road before, I just hope I’m not here again.
Make. It. Stick.
And Once Again… I am a Terrible Person.
There’s really no other way to put it. I did a terrible, terrible thing last night after being so good for over a year. Lad night could have played out in a thousand different ways I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. Of course the one person I tell to help slap me across the face is the one that I don’t want to think ill of me. But I needed that. I needed someone I care about to know what a horrible person I am so I can get called out on my bullshit.
I was right. I have a heart of pure evil. It’s also interesting to know that I was wrong, people don’t change. They alter and adapt, but no, people don’t change. Boundaries are not meant to be broken. Like I said, pure evil.
Yeeeeeeup.
What a surprise. I didn’t get a text yesterday even though he said he was going to and we had plans. Not overly significant plans, but plans none the less. There’s no way to make this situation sounds better. He doesn’t respect me enough to follow through and this isn’t the first time.
Getting used to disappointment. Now all I have to do is find something else to occupy my thoughts.
Hey I Just Met You.
Ahhhhhhh.. I can’t believe he texted me today. It gave me those excited butterflies that I used to have weeks ago. It would be nice to know if he was actually interested or just getting my hopes up. Not that I will see him until September anyways. Maybe I will, he invited me to roadtrip at one point.
Wishful fulfillment can only take me so far. I don’t know exactly where to go from here, but I hope I find out eventually.
Hum Now.
I’m a little sad. It’s challenging feeling one way and not being able to act or it or pursue it properly. Oh well, I know what I need to do. I need to put on the brakes and gain some distance. Time to stop being eager and let things just fall where they may.
Miserable.
I got ditched. I haven’t heard from friends. I feel isolated and alone right now. I should be cleaning/ packing. But I’m far too busy being sad.
And when I feel this way I get pathetic and start creeping. Oh man, waiting 2 hours for a text reply, and again……. Here we are. I was going to be kind and considerate. Bitch can walk for all I care now.
Holy I’m officially bitter and depressed. I could have at least been productive tonight. But that really didn’t happen.
Choices.
I’m blogging more.. Does that mean I’m more wounded?
I have a really big life decision to make for next year. I have no idea what to dooooooo….. #stressed. Whatever my decision is will change the course of next year completely. I may miss out on an opportunity, or I might make a great decision? Who knows. I hate that this is my decision.
Last final is tomorrow morning, but I’m playing draw something and watching the Canucks game. I’m not ready at all and hate the idea I might do poorly, but I have no self control… Non at all.
Feelings & Country Music.
That’s what is standing in the way of my studying productivity. It’s all that consumes my life right now.
Status.
I never realized how horrible social media can be. It’s an amazing thing, how connected we all can be. I know what people are doing who I graduated with, without communicating with them once in 3 years. It can be a hurtful thing. I see images that cure my curiosity but cause more damage then good. It fulfills a certain part of me, but on whole, I would probably be better without it. Unfortunately, it is just too easy to discover something new, and impossible to resist for a certain amount of days.
Feelings, feelings, feelings…. I went to a counsellor for the first time ever this week. It was enlightening to say the least. There’s something beautiful about talking to a stranger, sworn to confidentiality, and asking intuitive questions that make you think. They ask questions that your friends would never ask, because, as much as your friends love you, it’s not their job to make you think, pry, or divulge further into your feelings or question why you feel that particular way. However, it made me the most exhausted I’ve been in awhile. I was mentally spent. It was hard to practice later that day because I just wanted to sleep it off.
One particular friend I have has been there for me pretty much all year. Without him, I probably would have drowned, and I don’t think he knows that. The problem with putting such an awesome platonic friend high up on a pedestal is that there is that much more room for disappointment and room to fall. It’s scary, if I ever lost his trust or camaraderie, I would fall apart. He does disappoint me though, today for instance. What he lacks in common courtesy he definitely makes up in other areas. It’s a fickle thing, having a really good guy friend. You can’t be upset like you’re in a relationship, but you rely on him in ways that no one else can support you.
I’m once again entering a problematic situation with friendships… There are certain people in my life that I love to death. But the problem is that it’s hard to maintain that many friendships at once. I like to try and play it as neutral as possible. I’m definitely a people pleaser, it’s one of my flaws. But I hate confrontation and drama.
I learned today that people think I’m negative… I’ve never really been negative before. I used to have a fantastic athlete’s mentality, able to let go of external factors and refocus and perform. I’ve lost that this year. Through all the crap I’ve gone through I’ve turned into a tainted, bitter person. I don’t like this new mentality that I have adopted. It’s not very becoming and not true to myself and who I am/ the person I am striving to be.
It’s amazing. I’m healing against my heartbreak. But sometimes you realize that it really doesn’t matter. Even if you heal from one thing, something else is fighting against you, putting you down and tainting your happiness.
Thing is, I’ve been through the worst thing to date: Heartbreak. Anything else? Bring it on. I can take on the world. You just wait. I’m going to do it athletically, academically, socially, and with class and poise. The world is going to be my little bitch. I’ve been to hell and back, it’s my time. It’s all about me, not about a boy, not about anyone else. I am going to do what makes me happy, and in extension, the people around me who I love dearly.
